My Greatest Fear

Each night, I let myself relax, and seek God in prayer. I’m not fancy, and I don’t use any special words. One thing I always seem to pray for, is that I’ll have the blessing of someday, becoming a Great Grand Mother. I feel like being a great grandparent is the epitome of joy for me – it means I lived long enough, my kids lived long enough, found partners and had a family, and their children found partners and had a family.

After having my babies, I realized that all the terrifying things in the world became real. You feel the intense pain of the parents who loose children in terribly tragedy. Your prayers become more fervent for the children you know with serious conditions – realizing that this could so easily be your own sweet child. Your heart breaks for the wives who lose spouses due to illness or unexpected accident. And most of all, I felt my own mortality. It changes a person, knowing that two little people depend on you completely, and that you not being there would drastically change the course of their lives. I don’t take risks any more – I don’t speed, I don’t text while driving, I reconsider travel plans. No one tells you that so suddenly upon becoming a mother, your heart is raw to the world.

So I had to consider, had my greatest fear become dying? I knew that couldn’t be it… While it’s not something I look forward to (of course) I have always had a strange peace with the inevitable, and my faith gives me absolute confidence in where I’ll be heading. So if that wasn’t it – what was I so fearful about?

And it finally hit me. My greatest fear is wasting time. I am terrified to lose the time I’m blessed with my kids, my parents, my husband and my friends. I’m so afraid of not filling absolutely every day with love and memory.

But I’ve started to realize, it’s not only that I fear wasting time in a greater sense, but also in the mundane. I switch between five or six browser tabs at a time so I don’t waste time as pages load. I multi-task to the fullest – listening to NPR as I drive, listening to audio books while I clean, and almost always take “work” with me on car trips making simple bows along the route. I hate to waste a second. But it worries me, are my days filled to the brim with busy, truly making me WASTE my TIME with my family. I don’t want to leave an empty second, but yet, am I unreachable for all the important memories I should be making?

And so I pray about it… and the verse that comes to my heart is Psalm 46:10 – “He says ‘Be still, and know that I am God.” And I begin to think, when have I left time to be still? When have I left time to listen?

And as I’ve come to these realizations, it’s still a struggle. I have been thinking and praying about this for about two weeks now, and still haven’t settled on how to sort it all out. I had even considered writing about it earlier, but let the impulse go.

Brayden’s been extremely needy lately, and I spend almost an hour – twice a day – settling him into nap and to sleep each night. Daddy won’t suffice nor will Grammy. He begs, pleads and cries. And it’s been killing me – laying there “wasting” these two hours.

Tonight I was so busy looking for something that I insisted that he needed to go to bed alone. After an hour of him crying, (and my search unproductive), I went up and held him in my arms. I sang to him and let him nestle his little head into the crook of my body. I inhaled his essence and just breathed in every bit of him. And I realized, this time is not wasted. I fight to give it freely, but there is nothing more rewarding than being enough for him, for living in those moments. I see God in these every day moments of realizing all with which I’ve been so abundantly blessed. So I will be still, and I will hold this dear boy, and be prayerful in thanks for every amazing moment I’ve been granted.

julieandmom

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